Membership is now open starting from as little as $3,500 per annum for Bronze Membership up to $4.500 for Roathley Membership.
All applications will be vetted and a security check will be conducted by a company I have recently been in touch with. Checks will include fingerprinting and DNA samples. Due to previous breaches of security please ensure your application is accompanied by the following documents.
* Three forms of photo ID
* A reference from your MP stating they have known you for at least five years
* A letter from a pillar of society confirming they have known the MP for at least five years
* A letter from the above person's parole officer.
* A letter from your mum (or "mom" if you are from North America) stating you are allowed to use the PC unsupervised. Funny how the words "mum" and "unsupervised" are so often mentioned in the same breath as the McCanns.
Please also ensure you have a catchy name so I can register it as a domain and flog it to the highest bidder.
No riff-raff allowed. Cloth caps and hairnets must not be worn at the PC while using the facilities of the Convention Centre. Drinking cheap red wine while munching a bacon sarnie is also frowned upon.
Gentlemen are required to at least wear a pair of shorts, while ladies are not allowed to wear clothes that reveal tattoos of The Good Ship Venus on any part of their body.
When discussing the holiday, please refrain from making remarks regarding the McCanns child supervision arrangements. No doubt they will rarely be out of sight of a photographer, camera crew and a family friend videoing the sort of activity they were unable to do in Portugal due to the children being left in crèches every day and unsupervised bedrooms every night.
